In a world based on punishment and rewards, it’s really hard to step away from that harmful system. Rewards and punishment only make power struggles with kids worse, in fact. In this blog post, I’m sharing my best tips on how to start introducing consequences based on love and caring so that your kids feel more supported. That way, power struggles have no right to exist.
Punishment culture
It seems that our society has grown to believe that parenting should be based on fear. If a child isn’t afraid of you, they won’t listen and do what you want.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Just typing this, already made me feel dizzy.
If you want your child to be this obedient, who will they become when they grow up???
Sure, they will be less of a nuisance right now. But is this actually your end goal?
What effect is living in fear going to have on your child?
Our life is full of stress, to the point that “chronic stress” causes so many diseases! Making kids fear us, creates the same for them. It’s not only harmful to their development but also makes them repeat the same stressful lifestyle when they grow up.
So how do I get kids to listen?
I’ll ask you, how do you get other adults to listen?
True bonds and relationships are based on trust, love, understanding, and connection. Have you noticed that when you feel truly connected with your child, they are actually more willing to do what you ask?
We need to help them feel safe to be able to express who they truly are. And they are Love!
Punishment is aimed at intimidating children into obedience by using fear, shame, or guilt.
Rewards 
are manipulation 
I know this is an unpopular opinion. Because if we don’t want to use punishment, rewards seem to be a logical alternative. If punishment creates fear, rewards should create security, right?
Not really.
In fact, rewards don’t really work in a long run.
One reason behind that is that deep down they’re just a form of control and manipulation. And I don’t know any parent who deep down in their heart wants their kids to be manipulated. So people are not consistent with reward systems (sticker charts etc), because they’re not aligned.
On a more surface level, that consistency requires a lot of work and self-control on the parent’s side. It’s just tiring and can negatively affect your relationship with your kids.
In the longer run, psychologically, rewards tend to have THE SAME effect as punishment – their power lies in the FEAR of not getting the reward.
Plus, when your child decides they don’t like the reward as much anymore, it completely loses its power and you need to come up with a totally new rewards system.
What’s the alternative then?
A good alternative based on love and support are consequences. They need to come out of caring and the will to help the kid out in a difficult situation rather than from our need to control.
Compare these:
“If you don’t do your homework, you’re not getting any dessert” (threat)
“I don’t want you to get stressed or get a bad mark. Do you need my help with the homework or just want me to help you focus better?” (caring)
How does the second one make you feel? How would it change your relationship with your kid if you worded everything this way?
Or these:
“If you eat all the food on your plate, I’ll let you play your video game before bed”. (manipulation)
“Are you sure you’re full? I don’t want you to be hungry before bedtime and this is our last meal today. If you eat right before bed, you’ll have trouble falling asleep.” (natural consequences)
“Are you sure you’re full? This is our last meal before bedtime. If you get hungry in bed and have a bedtime snack, you’ll have to brush your teeth again.” (logical consequences)
What’s the key difference between punishment and consequences?
What kids “learn” from punishment
In my childhood, when I did “wrong” and already felt like failing, I was treated in a way that made me feel even worse.
As a result, I didn’t perform any better next time. The result was that I learned that
1) I’d better conceal and suppress my emotions,
2) failure is the worst thing ever, and I should hide it from my parents and teachers and pretend to be the “good girl”.
That’s what kids learn from punishment – to hide things better.
When kids do badly, they already feel bad. They know they’re doing poorly. They feel it.
It’s either that they feel bad and because of that they don’t listen, or that they fail at something and because of that they feel angry or frustrated.
When we make them feel even worse, they begin to associate the bad feeling with the unwanted behavior even stronger, so by punishing them, we actually support the bad behavior!
If you want your child to listen and do what you want, try to figure out why they aren’t doing it already. If you want them to stop doing something, try to figure out why they’re doing it.
The key is in the feeling.
If they feel supported and loved when they have a hard time, they will have the internal motivation to do better next time.
That’s the goal of using consequences in parenting.
We cannot avoid consequences in our lives. Natural consequences occur by themselves and we have no control over that. When you learn how to use them in your parenting, you’re not setting yourself against your kids. You’re making a team trying to solve a problem your child is having.
You can also use logical consequences. And here’s where the problem lies. Many parents and teachers started to dub punishment consequences because they simply don’t know where the fine line between them lies.
The key difference between punishment and logical consequences is the feeling we have afterward – are we a team? or are we opponents?
How would your self-esteem and life be different today if your parents had supported you through hard times instead of punishing you for performing poorly?
Introducing consequences with your kids
If you want to introduce consequences, start slowly. It requires a large shift in your mind, so be gentle with yourself and your little ones should you need some time and trial and error.
- Find out what situations you want to focus on first. Choose one particular situation where power struggles happen in your house that repeats itself frequently.
- What are the natural consequences of that behavior? There are always at least a couple of different consequences for each action, so write down all of them and pick those that would speak to the imagination of your child. E.g. when my kids don’t want to tidy up their toys, my daughter worries that someone might step on them and hurt their foot, while my son is more concerned with the fact that the toys may break or get lost.
- Find a calm moment to talk to your child about the natural consequences. Make sure you connect with your heart before you do that.
- If your child feels connected and loved, the problem may disappear at this point.
- If it doesn’t, try to find out (in another calm and loving chat with your child) how you can support them in the task you want them to do. If it’s tidying up, the amount of work may be overwhelming for a small child. Sometimes they need help, sometimes they need guidance. Sometimes they simply need to make it more game-like and enjoyable.
I want to help you with that!
If you want more help with that, now is the only opportunity to get my personal guidance on this topic. I’m running a free mini-course “Solve the power struggle trouble” with live Q&A sessions in my FB community. I’m going to guide you through the process described above and answer all of your questions. The mini-course is Feb 7-9 2023. Sign up now!